I'd like to present you with a tribute to the holiday (and the completion of the Twilight saga): my reworked vision of Clement Moore’s beloved holiday classic, “A Visit From St. Nicholas.” I call it "'Twas the Twilight Before Christmas."
‘Twas the Twilight Before Christmas
Twas the Twilight before Christmas, and all through the land,
Twilight fans were suffering, from unmet demands.
They’d watched all the movies & read all the books,
Now they wanted more, by hook or by crook.
They should’ve been nestled all snug in their beds,
Envisioning Edward standing by their heads.
He’d tell them a story about the old days,
His smoldering eyes nearly setting them ablaze.
And just down the hall the ‘rents would be clueless,
A vampire in the house? That’s bloody foolish.
That shape-shifter in the yard, aw he’s just a flirt,
Let’s hope that St. Nicholas brings him a shirt.
But the moon on his breast shining like new-fallen snow,
Makes one wonder if he’ll imprint with a baby you know.
Still, our wondering eyes just can’t get enough,
Thank goodness the DVD’s are packed with extra stuff.
But it’s December and Breaking Dawn part the second,
Is already old news and that's just unpleasant.
No more weddings, or babies, or broken headboards?
Fans are whistling and shouting and calling for more!
"Now Bella! Now Edward! Now Jacob and Renesmee!
Now Carlisle! Now Alice! Now the entire wolf gang!
We need to track down that Stephenie Meyer!
No book in four years, what is she – retired?
She teased us with the story of lil’ ol’ Bree Tanner,
After Midnight Sun was spoiled by someone’s bad manners.
But we’re into her for some 100 million shares,
And we’re starting to wonder if she no longer cares.
We need some new stories, some newfound teen angst,
A love scene that begins with Renesmee spanked!
And what of Charlie, that poor old galoot?
Always walking around armed, but he never shoots.
Oh, we wouldn’t dream of dictating Steph’s next novel,
But if we wait any longer we’ll be forced to grovel.
And instead of invading cinemas and comic-cons,
We’ll camp outside her house in pjs and long johns.
So, next week when we hear Santa up on our roofs,
He’d better be packing some definitive proof.
Aren't there more Twilight stories to tell?
Or has Edward forsaken all of us, as well?”
Now, I understand their Twilight withdrawal,
For am I not also a fan, after all?
But if you’ve been a good little boy or girl,
I believe there might be a Christmas miracle.
There’s a new writer, God bless his soul,
Who’s determined to ensure you receive more than coal.
His vampire series—Vaempires—is sparkly, brand new,
It features teen vampires, it has zombies, too.
There’s blood-and-guts action, there’s danger galore,
There’s paranormal romance, and so much more.
There are teenagers in love, facing a great enemy,
There’s not one, or two, but three stories to read.
So, listen carefully on Christmas Eve,
And if you’ve been good (and if you believe).
You’ll hear him exclaim, that red-suited man,
"Merry Christmas to all you blessed Twilight fans.”
Now, before I’m buried beneath a nor’easter of comments, let me reiterate: I am a Twilight fan. I’ve read the books. I’ve watched the movies. I hope that my fans are (one day) as passionate and loyal about Vaempires as Ms. Meyer’s are about her creations. And, whether you are a Twilight fan, a VD fan (the TV series, not the affliction), or any type of vampire fan, I'm certain you will love the world of vaempires--after all, there’s romance, action, sci-fi, fantasy, and horror in equal measure. Why not give the gift of vaempires this year?
Posted on Tue, December 18, 2012
by Thomas Winship filed under